idunno

Isn't it funny how you can be feeling all introspective and deep but not really over anything? Probably it's just a byproduct of coffee and dwindling energy supplies, but nevertheless the mood persists! I just spent forever trying to figure out what was my "about me" going to say about myself. I guess it's pretty accurate. I really hate those things, though. If you write too little you don't communicate what you're about and if you write to much you appear narcissistic. You can write a three-liner and only showcase the happy side of yourself and not the more poetic one. Is it even accurate to claim to be poetic? My friend Sarah manages to be poetic, and I don't know how she does it. If I knew, I wouldnt hesitate to emulate her. She's funny and quirky though, but even just looking at her you can tell there's more than meets the eye. I worry that it's not like that with me. Or at least that people don't see it. When I make little semester-long acquaintances, do they see that I'm more than quippy responses and an excess of laughs for lack of anything interesting to say? Does what I present to people on Facebook make them think, "what an interesting person!" or do they glance over what I type and assume they know all there is to know. I wonder if they'd be right. I guess it's probably stupid to wonder so much about what other people think of me. Maybe that's what makes me seem so shallow to people (if I do) because I'm worried about them overlooking the deeper side so much that I pay less attention to it and it shrinks. I feel like there's always two roads in conversations or relationships that I have with people, and one goes down an interesting, serious, and introspective path while the other goes down a funny, happy, sunshine-y one. I dont remember the last time I chose the first one. I suppose with Cody, but that sure as heck died out. With everyone else and to everyone else I think I'm funny and happy. I like being that way, but not all of the time. I would like to have someone to be the other half of me with, and I don't mean like a boyfriend or anything. Just a best friend. A true best friend, I really wish I had one of those. The Donahoos are great but we've never been..I don't know. Sarah has always had Christine and Anna just doesn't really talk about stuff and never really seems like she'd...not write off/think less of me for the other half. I don't even know how i would present the other half. I just know that my last true best friend was Angela, and it's been more than three years since I've had that type of a friendship with anyone. I miss our friendship a lot. I wish that I could recreate it with someone else, someone more like me, but I don't know where to find someone like that. And it has to be a two-way street, they have to be in need of a true best friend, also. In Gone With the Wind, Scarlett's parents are two very different people. One is an Irish immigrant raised in poverty and roughness who became a self-made plantation owner, and the other is a soft-spoken, mild-mannered woman from a very genteel family in a town acclaimed for it's pristine manners. Throughout the book Scarlett feels torn between these two people, and because she is both she's never really either. I suppose I brought that up because I feel like it's so true of a lot of people,and of me. You can never really be sure what's going on beneath the veneer everyone dons to show the world. And people choose different fronts to give to different people all the time. Like, for instance, me. Who am I with my family? Silly, funny, also sort of in the background and okay with it when my sisters come home. Who am I with my friends? Loud, daring, and (I hate to say it) but sort of one of the more prominent people. Who am I with my extended family? Quiet, awkward, clever. Who am I with my self? Philosophical, musing, wistful, romantic, deep. Why can't I be fully myself around anyone I know? That dumb path between sunny and surface or dim and deep. I wish I had someone who could walk with me right down the middle, or even both at different times. Someone who could venture out of whatever confines our relationship has put us in and brave whatever is down that stupid dark road. But I don't really want anyone to...well yes, I want someone to, really really badly, but for their sakes and kind of mine, I don't want them to. Once you get down there, it's probably not pleasant. So much has happened since Angela that no one knows about, that is really really far down the path and for someone to know that would just be a burden to them. I wouldn't want them feeling sorry for me, that would be absolutely revolting. I just want someone to know. I want some person out there to understand everything about my family, all the experiences that make me myself. But I don't want them to have to be trapped in that one road, because after like one conversation about it, I'd get sick of it. And then I don't even know if it would really be worth it.
I mean, look at what happened when I told that kid the stuff about that person. All I got was a "......hmm. so whats up?" and that was not the response I was expecting after saying something that big. I said it in an offhand way admittedly, but surely no one is dense enough to assume that I couldn't care about that? That person is not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a best friend who just gets everything and doesn't act awkward when they know it all.